Have you ever found a moment when you sabotage yourself in your work or your relationships? Have you wondered why you would do that? Here are some of the beliefs that might trigger your fears of your resistance to taking loving action on your own behalf; and one of the things that may help you to understand your self-sabotaging behavior is to recognize that you are actually trying to protect yourself rather than sabotage yourself.
That paragraph above is the first thing that I read from this article ◨ at HuffPost written by Margaret Paul, who apparently is a best-selling author, seminar leader, and co-creator of Inner Bonding that once was featured on Oprah.
Hi, welcome back 👋🏽
There are two main different categories of self-sabotaging behavior: the first is around your relationships, and the second is around your work. And after I read her article, I found also that there are actually not many reasons why we do self-sabotage. In the article, there are two scenarios that have been the explanation as to why many people are kept out of relationships, and of reaching harmony in their work environment: those are the fear of rejection and the fear of engulfment.
But at the end of the day, those things that are keeping you from taking the loving action on your own behalf are just fears, which we all adult people know that most fears in this world are based on false beliefs, such as success or failure that defines our worth as a person.
There are few bullet points that maybe it’s a good idea to be rewritten in our journal, so we can overcome all of these fears in the future, and step into the better life, healthier relationships, and a more productive work ethic. But before we jump into that part, let us all learn first about, what the f!ck is self-sabotage?
# Let me explain …
Self-sabotage is one of those terms that we hear thrown around a lot, but understanding what people actually mean by it is quite tricky at first, mostly because many people don’t actually know what it means. Do you? Some people use it judgmentally, as a form of criticism for someone they perceive as lazy or weak; while many others add the term to their conversations in a way that’s so vague and generic to the point where it’s essentially meaningless.
But in short, here is the definition of self-sabotage: […] is when we actively or passively take steps to prevent ourselves from reaching our goals. This behavior can affect nearly every aspect of our life, be it in a relationship, career and life goals, to even personal growth such as productivity dreams. One of the most important aspects of understanding self-sabotage is to understand that you might have been doing it consciously or unconsciously.
Conscious self-sabotage is when you’re aware of the fact that what you’re doing is undermining one of your goals, such as playing video games while you’re actually in need to write a blog post. 😋 While unconscious self-sabotage is when you do something that undermines your value or goals, but you don’t realize it until after the fact.
Of course, there are limitless ways to how we fall into self-sabotage, hence everybody is engaging in self-sabotage from time to time. And even though for some people this behavior is an occasional thing that’s followed by minor consequences, but for others, this behavior is a chronic pattern that oftentimes leads to major problems in their life, work, and relationships.
# Alright, let’s move on …
A few of the most common forms of self-sabotage include general procrastination, substance abuse such as drugs and alcohol, bad habit of consistently late to things, stress eating, to even intimacy and commitment issues. But in this article, Margaret Paul doesn’t discuss the broad account of self-sabotage, but instead, she focuses on forms of self-sabotage that connected directly to our work and relationships.
After I read a few articles and Wikipedia pages in addition to this article, now I learned that self-sabotage is actually not as mysterious or complicated as many people refer to it. Instead, it simply means chronically doing something that undermines your own goals or self-values. 😔
Here, I’ll give you some patterns and examples: …
These are the few main bad forms of self-sabotage that tend to break our relationships with other people. Many people have been self-sabotaging for years not knowing how to avoid it, but only fully realizing the negative impact it was having on their health and relationships with other people, which often the case are the closest people to them such as girlfriend, boyfriend, families, and friends.
- You keep yourself isolated;
- You make so many demands on your partner that he or she feels smothered and ends the relationship;
- You judge everyone you meet as not being good enough for you;
- And most probably more..,..
But those three are some of the main points you need to keep an eye on, if you consistently get into romantic relationships with people you don’t actually respect, just because it makes you feel better about yourself, for example. Fostering relationships that don’t really work is a very, very bad way of filling your need for confidence and self-esteem.
If one of your hobbies is watching TV dramas, you might have seen this behavior oftentimes conducted by the antagonist. Obviously, their relationship won’t work at the end of the day, because this behavior of self-sabotaging will always be in the way of our long-term goal of having a healthy relationship.
Coming up with a shortlist of other people you know have similar circumstances can become your first step in getting around this bad habit and health condition. But in many work environments, maybe the easiest way to notice the behavior of self-sabotaging is to keep an eye on those people that develop the unconscious habit of showing up late or doing sloppy work as a way to avoid promotions or increased responsibility, which would lead them to higher expectations and therefore a higher chance of failure. In fact, this might even be you.
Here you go, I’ll list some points in the work aspect, too.
- You keep putting off looking for the kind of job you want;
- You are able to work, and you thought you want to, but keep living off other means;
- You stay in a job that you actually hate;
- You keep yourself uneducated regarding doing what you really want to do;
- And most probably more..,..
So there go the few points that I could get from reading the article, suggesting that these are the things we should avoid at all costs, or even should be fixed if some of them already become a part of our attributes.
# Fixing your self-sabotaging behavior.
To get yourself unstuck, I guess there are few actions that you can take. I hope with all these tips and tricks, in a way or few, this blog post can help you to appreciate more the value of your life. And with that, I hope that one day you’ll realize and happy that you’ve achieved a better life, integrate yourself with better behaviors and attitudes, in addition to succeed in growing more positive and beautiful relationships in your life. Ameen! ✨
Alright, time to take notes!
- Understand self-judgements
It is likely that your self-judgments are a major reason why you are stuck. It is because, well, self-judgment is also a major form of self-sabotage. When you notice yourself judging yourself, you might want to ask your higher self for the truth.
- Notice your need for self-sabotage
Most people who try to stop self-sabotaging tell themselves that this is the time they’re finally going to get their sh!t together and stop all this nonsense. But being rough on yourself is itself a form of self-sabotage because, while it feels good at the moment, it usually leads you to miss the most important first step in overcoming self-sabotage, which is understanding that everybody actually needs to self-sabotage every now and then.
- Identify alternative behaviors that should replace your self-sabotage
Once you’ve got a clear understanding of your need to self-sabotage for every now and then, your next step is going to be generating ideas for the alternative —preferably healthy— behaviors that address your need to be rewarded in life, and make sure that won’t hurt you, both in short term and long-run.
- Plan, and anticipate obstacles
Everybody needs a plan in their life. But this time, let’s take it to the next level! To fix your self-sabotaging behavior, you need to anticipate the potential obstacles, to even staying away from things that influence you to do the same mistakes you’ve decided to avoid. And trust me when I say that it’s going to be hard to move on if you don’t strategize and work your best to achieve your goal. So, do your best!
- Shift your definition of your worth, from outcomes to effort
You will make mistakes, even after you plan everything right and anticipate everything so smoothly. Before you’re there, you should decide first that you will define your worth by the positive actions you take for yourself and others, rather than by the outcome of the actions.
- Consider mistakes and failures as stepping stones to success
It is okay to fail every now and then, you must consciously allow your failure and mistakes to inform you that you need to learn more, rather than being indicators of your intelligence or worth, or lack thereof.
- Be kind and compassionate towards your own feelings
No matter how well you strategize and execute your new alternative (positive) behaviors, it will be emotionally hard at times. But after you are able to embrace your painful feelings with kindness toward yourself, rather than with excessive judgment, you shall not be so afraid of being hurt anymore. This is one of the main methods to boost your tolerance of uncomfortable feelings.
- Make decisions
Decisions are hard, and sometimes it’s expensive and you have to give up so many things, including certain people around you. Such as this question that might come up: will you be able to destroy the forced, unhealthy relationship that’s been slowly sabotaging your life? This is the kind of moment where you should make a decision that you are willing to lose another person rather than to lose yourself.
- Be true to yourself
In the middle of the process of making decisions, you might also want to clarify your values at the same time. Clarifying your goals, values, and aspirations are completely optional, but if you decide to not miss it, then it will give you the bonus barrier of self-sabotaging behaviors in the future —together with the positive boost that should help you feel way better at the decisions making process.
[ . . . ]
Hei hei heeey, thank you for taking your time reading this, coming back to the place where I talk about whatever I want. I’m glad to have you here. In case this is your first time here, then welcome! And if you want to join us on this beautiful adventure of achieving a better life … well, feel free to join!
By the way, you guys are crazy! Thank you so much for the support, every single one of you, thank you for being here and be a part of my motivation to keep writing and blogging and everything. I’ve been in the state for the whole week now, where I kind of overwhelmed by comments, and likes, and follows, and reblogs … I’m very grateful to all of y’all who even just read the blog posts.
Thank you so much 🙏🏽
For everyone who is hoping to read more blog posts about productivity and life hack (? I guess) on this little personal blog of mine, you’re absolutely will read moar! Even though many people come here from like, anime communities and weird fandom and stuff —because to be honest, I’m interested in too many things in life, too many things that I’d like to consume, and I’d like to explore different genres of content— but I also like to write whatever that makes me happy. And so far, writing about these tips and tricks of productivity … stuff, absolutely makes me happy!
I don’t want this to sounds like I’m trying to be a goody-two-shoes, but I love it so much! It’s freaking amazing, especially the part that it pushes me to keep learning new stuff every time I wonder what should I write this week for the blog. Therefore, this lifestyle and productivity series won’t be going anywhere, we’re just starting out; I’m not a master at anything, but I’ve been consuming content about productivity, life coach, to even mental health for years now, so I know very well that there are still so many things that we can explore.
Anyways, I stole the featured image from here, in case you’re wondering. Okay, thanks again for being here, I love you guys, and I will see you very, very soon! In the meantime, take care, and bai-bai for now~ XXXXX *hugs*
There is stability in self-destruction, in prolonging sadness as a means of escaping abstractions like happiness. Rock bottom is a surprisingly comfortable place to lay your head. Looking up from the depths of another low often seems a lot safer than wondering when you’ll fall again. Falling feels awful.
I’d rather fuck!ng fly.
— Some random influencer I recently discover, Kris Kidd.